Emotional Terrarium

I paced out in my driveway, and stared up at the stars as I walked my usual route that I’d created for these conversations. I realized for a moment that I’d probably worn the concrete in some spots talking to Elizabeth on the phone late at night through the years. She sighed into the phone thinking and then spoke, “It’s like you’ve made ways to maintain tight control over your physical autonomy and now you’re actually giving up some of that control and letting your body have needs, but you’ve still got to learn how to let go of the control you hold over your emotional autonomy” I stopped mid step, “Wait. What did you just say? Emotional autonomy? Dig into that- expound on that.” She laughed and then stopped and thought. “It’s like you’ve created a self sustaining emotional ecosystem, and now if you’re going to grow and not just sustain, it’s going to require some outside forces and elements.” I paused, and repeated back to her, “A self sustaining emotional ecosystem. Damn. Wow. I’m going to have to think on that.” “Do it.” She challenged. The first thing I thought of was a terrarium that a friend of mine had done as a science project, I loved it so much that I kept it on my kitchen counter for two years almost, and probably watered it two or three times- my kids would periodically open the top and drop in toy cars or coins- it finally outgrew the jar and I decided that I didn’t want to go through the trouble of replanting such a delicately balanced system so I emptied out the jar. I loved that I could have a beautiful plant on my counter, I could enjoy it but I never had to do anything to take care of it. I could stare at it, even open it and look inside- but had to be careful not to do anything to change the environment inside it too much. It would keep growing extremely slowly, sometimes I’d trim off a few leaves if I felt like it, but mostly I just left it on my counter. It was self sustained. I only had to care about it if I felt like it. I only had to look at it if it was convenient for me. It was sort of magical to me to be honest, how could it just keep going with no one giving anything to it? I just now read up on it. “A closed terraria creates a unique environment for plant growth as the transparent walls allow for both heat and light to enter the terrarium. The sealed container combined with the heat entering allows for the creation of a small scale water cycle…” I read farther down about how with closed terrariums, they have to be opened occasionally to let new air in otherwise they will develop mold and mildew on the walls, and every great once in a while they have to have a small bit of new water added- other than those few simple things they sustain themselves indefinitely. Is that me? Just open up often enough and get water every once in a while enough to keep living and keep from getting too sick but other than nothing in, nothing out- just sustain. Sustain: Cause to continue or be prolonged for an extended period or without interruption. For a performer to represent a part or character convincingly. The latin root words are: “sub”- from below + “tenere” -hold Sustain- hold from below. Hold down. Held down. No. Don’t let my mind go there.    Synonyms: Continue, foster, keep alive, keep going, provide for, withstand, endure, bear, live with, put with, take it. Reading all of that makes me think of something I said to Elizabeth the other day, I was talking about not being a squeaky wheel- about how I’d been taught to not be a squeaky wheel, I’d been taught to be self sufficient, and so now the thought is generally, “Oh, well it’s Abi, she’ll be fine” What other choice have I ever had? If no one gives you a choice but to be fine, then what else do you do but just… do that? One of the synonyms of self sufficient is self contained… sort of like a closed terrarium… The synonyms for self sufficient are really interesting because a lot of them are like “self contained” “self-reliant” “self supporting”... But then there are some that are more to the tone of “self ruled, self governed, seperated, unallied, unaided, unconnected” that sound sort of terrifying, and then another whole group that are more to the tone of, “bold, convinced, fearless, courageous, self-assured, brave, dauntless, unafraid, valiant” Interesting. The two definitions of self-sufficient are “able to supply one’s own or its own needs without external assistance; having extreme confidence in one’s own resources, power, etc.” None of this screams “community” or “relationship” to me. The exact opposite actually. If I have created an Emotional Ecosystem that lives within a Terrarium with in my soul, it can’t actually grow much larger- it can only sustain, it is self sufficient, it is safe, but it isn’t adding any new life, it’s just sustaining the current life- not growing, expanding, adding- just sustaining. UGH. But my terrarium is safe. But my terrarium is where I learned to live without fresh air. Who needs oxygen when you can make your own version that makes life livable with no risk? But what happens when you get just a little too much fresh air, and a little too much water, so that you’re able to grow just a little too much and suddenly the glass terrarium where your emotions have lived feels a little too tight, and there’s not as much room to move or breathe as there used to be, and the feelings are starting to feel too big- and suddenly they’ve grown to a point where they are unmanageable for you handle in a completely self sufficient way. These emotions cause you to… need. I left the top open too long, I let water in, And now the environment in me has changed- and I don’t think I can go back. I don’t think I want to. But I’m scared. Because what I had was livable… What if I’ve opened myself up to needing, and I end up dying? I guess we’ll find out.