Triggers and Fired Shots

While doing a live instagram interview last night I got asked what one of my greatest fears is and I talked about how I have a very irrational fear of suffocating- even the sound of other people struggling to breathe makes me feel like I am also struggling to breathe. I even very irrationally fear laying face to face with someone when going to sleep because some part of me believes I’ll slowly suffocate to death in my sleep from breathing in the other person’s carbon dioxide (crazy, I know- but fear doesn’t know always know about facts)- there are reasons behind the phobia of suffocating but I won’t go too far into that today.

This week has been full of big feelings, full of joy, and satisfaction, and love- as well as darkness, and sadness, and anxiety that sometimes felt so heavy that it brought on that “I can’t breathe” narrative in my mind.

Triggers are something that are frequently discussed in this day and age as the mental health stigma is slowly lifting; what’s hard is that usually there’s a sad and scary memory behind triggers- so even when someone else’s trigger may seem silly, or annoying, or irritating, we have to keep in mind that there is a war happening inside of the person across from us and they are trying their damndest to try and take that proverbial finger off the trigger to keep the gun from going off... and sometimes they succeed, and sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

So, here is my reminder- and your reminder, to love our people well today because they are likely fighting a battle that we can’t see. I can speak from my own experience that my struggle to overcome that suffocating feeling is almost daily for me, and most people don’t ever even know the layers of memories and pain that I’m fighting through to reestablish peace inside my mind.

I don’t know that the people close to me will ever know how much it helps when they see my struggle without me having to say a word because they are paying attention; or when I bring it to their attention and they respond with words like, “Remember that I love you.”

and “It’s going to be okay, take a breath, it’s going to be okay.”

and “You aren’t alone, I’m here.”

Our words make an impact, let’s make a conscious choice to make a good impact.

Attatched to this post is a piece of poetry I wrote about my fear of suffocation.